My Uncle's Shoes

The Chair in the Room

Tom Froehlich

The other day a friend shared with me that she viewed obstacles in her life very much like a chair that she once had in her bedroom. It was a chair that she often bumped into at night on her way to the bathroom. She said, “You know, night after night I would bump into that thing and limp back to bed lamenting the fact that that damn chair was always in my way. Finally after hitting my shin for about the ten thousandth time I realized I could just move the chair.”

            Sounds easy right? Because we can all easily identify what those obstacles are, remove them and then charge right back into our amazing lives. Right?  Well if that’s who you are, bless you, but evidently it’s not that easy for me.

            I moved to L.A. seven years ago. I was the kind of guy that made things happen. I was the kind of guy that others looked to for things to happen. And I did. I was optimistic and happy and fearless. Well, moderately fearless. And I had dreams that people in the Midwest viewed as crazy or outrageous or unrealistic. I was going to get my book published and go on speaking tours and have an amazing life. And then L.A. happened.

            A few years after moving here, my boyfriend I was living with ditched me on my birthday.  Bam! Chair! I asked him to remove himself and his belongings the following day.  The day after, I went to take a shower and he had had the water turned off.  The following morning I rolled over in bed to check the time on the alarm clock and couldn’t…because he had had the electricity turned off.  I had to find a place to live, rent a moving van and move in ten days. Then my wallet was stolen with all of my credit cards and drivers license.  Ever try to rent a truck with no driver’s license? My cell phone was stolen from the library. That’s like getting it stolen from church! Then I received a $325 citation for parking in a handicap zone and received a $425 bail bond for metro fare evasion. I also paid $500 to have a part replaced on my car I had never heard of nor could I pronounce.  This all happened within a ten day period. Bam! Chair! Bam! Chair! Bam! Chair! I slept on a friends couch for two weeks and then found a sublet until Christmas.   And since I had lost my job right before Christmas I didn’t qualify for an apartment so I moved onto a boat in the marina which frankly was kind of awesome.

            And I got another job! A job selling time-share vacations.  Yup.  I’m the annoying guy who offers you a free vacation if you come listen to a 90-minute presentation. Time-share.  It’s like one step above prostitution. Only difference is prostitutes are selling something people want and don’t require you to attend a 90-minute presentation to get the goods. Chair!? During that time I developed a growth on my lower lip. It was about the size of the head of a pin, yet I was sure you could see it from the space shuttle.  The doctor removed it and sent it in for testing, you know for “cancer”.  I received a call a week later and was told it was in fact “cancer” and I would have to have a “procedure”.  “Procedure”?  What’s that about? Didn’t really like the sound of that. It would cost one thousand dollars. I don’t have insurance. On top of all of this I was turning 50 and getting kicked off of the boat because they don’t allow live aboards and I had to find another place to live. Bam! Chair! Bam! Chair! Bam! Chair!

            And then the company I worked for went bankrupt. Yup! Closed their doors. But I got a new job doing cookware demonstrations across the country. I like to cook! Three months later I was almost arrested and put into federal prison in Canada for a lie my company told me to tell when crossing the border. Considering they compromised my personal freedom for their own financial gain, I decided to quit that job. Bam! Chair! A week later I totaled my car, my Saab convertible that I so loved. Bam! Chair! But this ended up being a good thing since I had no job and could use the insurance settlement to pay my bills. I believe I am looking on the bright side of things. Besides. I could ride my bike. Around L.A. Or take the bus. Was I insane? Oh! And I’m gay and I’m STILL a little pissed off about that! And then I realized I am an alcoholic and I had to give up drinking. Frankly? I kind of miss happy hour! Besides, alcohol was how I put up with the rest of the bull shit! Chair!? Well, maybe that one deserves a barstool. God knows I tripped over enough of those! Anyway, there were so many chairs in my way, so many impediments, you will probably agree that it was nearly impossible for me to move forward.

            Then Valentines’ Day was coming up and I started to look back at all of the Valentine’s Days that I had been single and was getting ready to add a never ending line of chairs to my never ending list. And then, for some strange reason I didn’t. Instead I thought back to a Valentine’s Day 25 years ago. It was on that particular Valentine’s Day that my wife of six years and I decided to get divorced. (Yes, I am gay, but could we please just focus on this story for now!) And it was on that very same day that I lost my job. Terrific!  That certainly deserves a chair, right!? Instead, I remember standing in the personnel director’s office waiting for despair to settle in. I remembered how that despair hovered for only a brief moment & was replaced with joy and excitement as I thought, "Wow! This is like a clean slate! I get a do over!"

            Reminiscing on this I was a bit shocked and surprised at the resilience of spirit I had at that time. And then I remembered that THAT is who I am.

            It wasn’t the company I worked for going bankrupt. It wasn’t my boyfriend ditching me on my birthday. It wasn’t my wallet being stolen. It wasn’t even the possibility of being incarcerated in a Canadian prison by our friendly neighbors to the north. It wasn’t the fact that I like men or am an over achiever at happy hour. All of those things are just life. And life happens. What matters is what I choose to do with that life. I can choose to drag it along or hide behind it or blame it for the failure and disappointment and heartache.  Or not. It was in that moment I knew that I was in fact the chair in the room. I was the obstacle holding me back. And it was in that moment that knew I was going to be okay.

            And I realized…I realized that endings last as long as I choose. Beginnings begin as soon as you are willing to start.

            To some, my dreams may seem crazy or outrageous or unrealistic. But I think dreams are suppose to feel that way. Otherwise they wouldn’t really feel like dreams now would they?! Yet that does not make them unattainable. Only we can do that. But I’m done with that. My life is out there. My life is out there waiting for me and I’m done bumping my shin on the chair in the night.

            How about you!?