My Uncle's Shoes

The Envelope

Tom Froehlich

I awakened this morning and decided my life was far too difficult. Far too difficult for a never-ending list of reasons. A list that I myself created. A list of things that made me want to throw myself in front of the number ten bus.  In the long run, I decided the pain involved in that solution was more than I cared to endure and besides, I may just end up crippled. Always flexible and open to change, I decided I would rather go the homicidal route and grab someone, anyone, I’m not particular, by the scruff of the neck and choke them until dead. Relax. Obviously neither of these scenarios were actually going to happen.

Before I even opened my eyes this morning I had unconsciously made a decision that today was not going to be user-friendly. Sure, you can tell me that I am acting as if the world is out to get me and I will tell you that it in fact it is. And actually, your trying to convince me of my own delusional state leads me to believe that you are a part of this conspiracy. Intellectually, I am fully aware that everyone has bad days and I should just shake it off and get on with it, but I can’t. I simply can’t. I have this psychotic episode in a firm and unshakeable chokehold and I refuse to let it go. Hey! I’m sure even Mother Teresa had days like this. I mean, she had that whole leprously thing to deal with and all. Logic has no part in this. It is simply a self-fulfilling prophecy run wild and I am determined to suck the joy out of today any way I am capable.

For simplicity sake, please allow me to enumerate the things that have me teetering on the brink of insanity.

1. I need to drive in L.A. traffic. This alone is enough to make a recovering alcoholic relapse. In fact, I would rather have open-heart surgery with no anesthetic.

2. Those women who choose to use their baby stroller like a battering ram, as an indicator that they will be crossing the street. In fact, they will use this technique in the grocery store, parking lots, anywhere they feel it is necessary. They seem to have no qualms about risking their beloved newborn child’s well being in an overt display of maternal power. They believe this privileged right of way is due them for simply having given birth.

3. While we’re at it, I would like to mention the resurgence of those annoying signs people have suction cupped to the interior of their vehicles reading “Baby on Board”. Excuse me for just a minute, but as a single adult male, I don’t really care to get critically injured or die of vehicular homicide either. I feel as if I should hang a sign in my car window that reads, “Middle-aged, yet very well-preserved male on board. Please don’t hit me either!”

4. People in the lines at the grocery store, car wash, dentist office, even the library who think I want to hear their lengthy, involved telephone conversation with their girlfriend about the totally super cute shoes they bought at DSW Shoe Warehouse. I don’t care. Really, I don’t. Oh, I totally understand that you have some time to kill while waiting in line like the rest of us, but you don’t hear me chatting away with my buddy about how I totally scored a pair of size fifteens on sale at the Broadway Shoe Warehouse. Mostly because I know my buddy doesn’t give a rat’s ass, very much like I don’t give a rat’s ass about your pumps with the four-inch heel that make you look like you should be working the corner of Hollywood and Vine.

5. I chose to ride my bicycle to the grocery store to get some exercise, fresh air and avoid the frustrations of driving in L.A. traffic. See! I’m trying to be proactive! Unfortunately, the guy in the sporty, white convertible was busy enjoying the fresh air as well when he decided to run the red light while making a left hand turn almost broad-siding me and fulfilling my earlier “throw myself in front of a bus” demise. When his car came to a screeching halt he said, “Oh! I’m sorry! I didn’t see you!”

I wanted to respond, “Well buster, I’m sorry too, because I’m 6’3” and 235 pounds and really pretty hard to miss so maybe you should try pulling your head out of your ass!” Hey! He’s driving a car far nicer than my ’98 Toyota Tercel Black Hawk (Isn’t the name “Black Hawk” awesome though!?), which means he has far more money than I do and he is also far younger and looks like one of those guys who never has to work out and has the body of an Abercrombie model. In short? I hate him.

Finally arriving home, I believed beyond any shadow of a doubt, that the world is in fact out to get me. To get final verification on this I decided to check the mail, ready to wrestle with the weekly flyers and bills, reminding me that the money I earn is only mine for a very short period of time.

Instead, I opened the brass door of my mailbox and found resting serenely inside, a lone pale pink envelope. The return address told me it was from a friend in Wisconsin. We met through a mutual friend and have actually only spent time together maybe five times, but have stayed in touch via facebook. A week earlier, she had surprisingly sent me a private facebook message, sharing that she was going through a difficult time in life, full of uncertainties and doubts.

She wrote, “I asked out loud in prayer to give me someone non-judgmental and someone who has the wisdom to hear me and understand.  It was you Tom.  It was your name that popped into my head and I knew I could talk to you.”

You may be asking, “Really?! You?! The guy who hates babies in strollers and girls with new shoes?! The guy who is certain there is a conspiracy out to get him?!” Yes. That is correct. Me! We all have our dark side! Stop judging!!

She went on to say, “Oh my dear sweet Cousin Tom... (I am “Cousin Tom” to many) what helps you to keep your sanity when life feels like your world is slowly falling apart around you?  You have been through so many life-changing moments and honestly you are the only one I can think to turn to. Somehow you have managed to find peace and happiness within yourself.  I need to find that too.”

I was flattered and honored that she would turn to me yet also humbled by my own uncertainty. Our lives seem so radically different. She has a wonderful husband and two beautiful children and I’m just an alcoholic gay man living on the beach in Venice, California who is so pissed off some mornings he wants to throw himself in front of the number ten bus.

Then it dawned on me that we are all just people doing our best trying to get through life and sometimes find ourselves in a dark and lonely place. A place that no matter how hard we try, we can’t seem to climb out of it on our own. I have visited that lonely, dark place. And I have climbed out. I understand.

I responded, “I am flattered and honored that you would think of me. When I feel as if I am totally fucked (eloquent, aren’t I?!), I remind myself that the Universe has a plan greater and grander than I could possibly imagine. And if that is in fact the case, that means that some of these bumps and yes, sometimes huge fucking bumps in the road are necessary to get me to where I need to go. Somehow that gives me peace and a belief that the Universe is not out to get me and that these troubles will in fact pass.

I mean really, isn't it sort of ridiculous to think that all things will go smoothly all of the time? Certainly it would be nice, yet still ridiculous. I do my best not to add drama to challenging circumstances that are simply part of life. It is usually my drama that clouds my mind and gets me in trouble. A guy I once dated said, ‘Tom, I just figure that as long as everyone I love is safe and healthy I can handle the rest, because the rest is just life. What are you going to do? Not live it!?’ Other than that he was kind of a douche bag (Well! He was!!), but I will always be grateful to him for that. Last of all I would like to share with you a quote from my book I hope to publish, ‘I am a Very Spiritual Yet Vulgar Man’.

'It’s an awesome day when I am humbled, as well as, enlightened by the realization that life is not as difficult as I try to make it.'" Peace & Blessings.


Love, Cousin Tom

I opened the pale pink envelope and slipped out the card. The pre-printed message read, “We keep you in our hearts because it is safe there and full of love.” And then in her own hand was written, “Love you Tom! You are an inspiration…yet so real to all of us. Thanks for being you.”

I gazed at her words and felt a smile spread across my face, as the conspiracy against me slowly slipped away. I saw the bigger, grander picture. I saw that it doesn’t matter how annoying L.A. traffic is. It doesn’t matter whether there is a ”Baby on Board” or an angry middle-aged man.

What matters is that we take the time to share our life’s journey with others with the hope it will enrich their own. To give of ourselves with no expectation. To help someone we care about heal and breathe more easily.

And then, every once in while, on a day when we have fallen back into the darkness, we open our mailbox and find a pale pink envelope filled with love and light and realize the healing has come full circle. We are reminded to breathe more easily. And we are reminded that it is when we step outside of ourselves, for even the briefest moment, to help someone else, that we find peace.